


(she calls him ben, and he forgets why he stopped)

by Alice_not_in_Wonderland



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Kylo Ren Has Issues, Other, Poor Ben, Snoke Being a Dick, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, a little bit, can you tell, i don't know what im doing, mostly abandonment issues tbh, so does the dark side, the light side has problems, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 01:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13089696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_not_in_Wonderland/pseuds/Alice_not_in_Wonderland
Summary: She calls him Ben.Kylo Ren has always been alone.And as he looks at her, across him, his hand stretched out and her face pulled taut in a frown, he realizes that she's the same way.





	(she calls him ben, and he forgets why he stopped)

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what im doing, but ben is a sad emo and just wants love
> 
> give him love
> 
>  
> 
> first fanfic ayyy can you tell

Ben.

She calls him Ben, and each time she does, it's like he's watching his lightsaber, spitting sparks and burning white-hot in front of him go through his father's chest. Each time she does, it's like he's back in the academy, the night dark and oppressive only for him to wake to the sound of a lightsaber being ignited. Each time she does, he's waiting, again, for his mother to talk to him or for his father to come back and he looks into the sky because he's still waiting.

_Dadimsorryididn'tmeantodadwhereareyouineedyoucomebackcomebackcomebackcomeback_

The pain shoots through him, and the scavenger, no, Rey, is still there, and she's begging for him to join them, in the Light, with his mother, with his uncle _(Luke, Luke standing over him, Luke with fury in his eyes, Luke with the green blade and tense gaze, Luke Luke Luke Luke)_ and he wants to throw up because they don't understand, have never understood, have never been there. His heart beats to the sound of the Falcon taking off without him on it _(again and again and again and again)_ , to his mother's voice as it cuts harsh and sharp like a blade in the air _(Ben, I'm busy, Mommy will come to you later, Ben, Mommy's working, later later later later)_ to his uncle's brow drawn in disappointment because Ben, young Ben that the Force calls upon, is connected to, cannot focus as his uncle does in the way of the light. 

He doesn't want to be here. 

He doesn't want to stay in the First Order, doesn't want to remain the villain behind the mask, doesn't want to feel the tremors through the force when his lightsaber cuts into a person and they fall lifeless to his feet, he doesn't want it but he has to because the light won't accept him either. He thinks about Snoke, who didn't care and never did but was there, who blasted his back with force lightning and tortured his mind with punishments and pain, who wielded Kylo Ren as a weapon and forced Ben to die because Ben is weak, was weak, is still weak.

He met Rey, and he could feel the darkness within her, under the light, buried back but as much a part of her as the light is to him. He felt her connection to the Force, her power, and he felt the fear of abandonment that runs deep within her, into her bones and her mind and he thought that he'd finally, finally found someone that understands. He reaches out to her, one muddled mess of light and dark to another, and he still stands by the darkness that he's known all his life because unlike the light, unlike his family, his mother and father _(that he loved, still loved, but hated him they had to)_ it was always there. 

She stands by the light.

And so they face each other, once again on opposite sides of the battlefield, and his heart aches because he knows that the scavenger, Rey, the girl, that she understands his fear and his anger and his sadness, she's seen everything and Kylo _(his name is Ben, is still Ben, will always be Ben)_ knows her and yet she's left him behind, like everybody, and Kylo pretends that he's filled with rage but in truth he's afraid, because he's alone.

Ben was weak, so he died. But Kylo couldn't press the trigger, couldn't kill Luke Skywalker, couldn't obey his master couldn't stop the rebels couldn't stop feeling compassion and-

Kylo wonders if there was ever a Kylo at all. 

His name was Ben Solo.

Maybe it still is.


End file.
